Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Crank 2: High Voltage

Wow. So many feelings, so many questions, so many "manys" that my mind feels like it just got blown into pieces of mush that I don't think it could be put back together. BUT luckily after watching this film, I have learned the secret of eternal life, be JASON STRATHAM, DUH!
Your first question is probably, "Chaps what is the best thing about Crank 2?" Well let me answer that simply by waxing a little intellect and changing the wording of your silly silly question: "What isn't the best thing about Crank 2?" The answer is: NOTHING!
I don't know if you can get much better than this film right here, both directors Neveldine and Taylor need to be falsely worshipped for taking this script (that they wrote) out to a cheap dinner and then back to their parents house for a trip to poundtown. Maybe the only thing that could top it would be if Raptor Jesus and Chris Hanson teamed up and directed a Sex Tape. Seriously this thing is more fun that the first time you learned about masturbation.
Now your probably thinking, "Chaps your being a little crude here." Well guess what kids, Disneyland just burnt to the ground because Mickey Mouse started the flames freebasing behind Cinderellas Castle, The Hate Train just pulled into town, can't you hear it? Chug-a Chug-a HATE! HATE!
This masterpiece crosses all boundaries and thus I must keep with its spirit in writing this review. WARNING! Do not watch this film without the right supplies. Those being as follows: time to waste, enough Redbull to kill, and a suspension of all belief.So now that we are on the same page, blog, website, line; I'll get back to it. First, visually, this film makes your eyes tingle and you will find yourself with a grin that I thought only methadone could induce. There are so many more zany things in this film than in first the Crank that it is hard to put them down here, but here is a quick run through, Godzilla fighting+grandma humping+naked Amy Smart+gay biker gangs+saline boob shooting+strippers and blow=crank 2. I mean the writers/directors needed at least a shoebox full of coke and more strippers than the likes of shamwow guy can even comprehend in the creative process for this film. All i can say is this is a Disney Movie for adults, yeah the kind where you get to see what Princess Jasmine is really rocking with the Genie shooting Latinos and that little monkey, yeah hes down on the corner slinging meth to some lady named Wanda.
As for the performances, Jason Stratham needs to father my kids. Just watching this dude kick, shoot, and pound the existence out of everything in this film is mind numbing. Chev Chelios (Stratham) is the new Superman, the dude can't die. You can throw the Latin Kings, The Bloods, the Crypts, Chuck Norris, an Asteroid, hell even 1000 monkeys from that movie Outbreak, and Jason Stratham would still be in one piece, I mean the guy has an English accent, those things are like bulletproof and make him sound smart as hell too.
Amy Smart as Eve in this film is amazzzzzzzing. Eve from Crank is the kind of girl that you take home to meet your parents. Eve in Crank 2 is the girl which you cheat on her with while she is in the living room meeting your parents. She takes all previous roles and throws all caution to the wind with this part, and holy shit is it intense. As for the rest of the cast, Doc Miles (Dwight Yoakam) delivers a wicked performance with such great lines as "is doc miles gonna have to choke a bitch." It was so natural i like to think that he gets up every morning and tells his kids that to get them out of bed. Venus (Ramirez) is back in one of the cheapest character introductions as Kaylo's identical brother from Crank. All of the bad guys are too numerous to name but they are all huge scum bags and every time Chevy kills one its pretty gruesome and involves a lot of red tinted corn starch mixed with water.
The cinematography for this film delivered by DP Brandon Trost is the reason there is rehabilitation clinics and shows such as Intervention. I am full phased addicted to this guys work, they should include surgical tubing when you enter the theater when Trost works on something.
As I pound my 6th consecutive Redbull I want to buy a round of hand and foot stuff for the Special FX and Sound Design teams down at Mustang Sallys. There were more explosions, more google maps and more crazy stunts than even Jackie Chan could dream up, on weed. Talk about PUSHING THE ENVELOPE!
Soundtrack, I didn't know where the guitar riffs and breaking bone sounds stop and began. The whole movie was a melody of complete mayhem and destruction. The music was campy and spunky at the same time, it fit together like wrestling coaches and team relations at a Catholic boys school. The soundtrack will get you so amped that you will break something while watching this film, keep all pets out off the room or you might punt the cat.
So how do I wrap something of this magnitude up, how about go fucking see this movie. You need this movie more than Paris Hilton's parents needed a condom. I would seriously urge the distribution houses to start selling this movie with an 8-ball of snow and a booklet containing 1-900 numbers. SO stop reading, rent, buy, bootleg, I don't care, go now.
Banana-meter: 11/10 Bananas

PS. Corey Haim is in this movie, with a mullet, yum.


  1. Dude. chill. no more red bull for you. now clean the apt

  2. CHAPS! this is better than jafar fucking jasmine!